being perfect again

i think i gave birth to myself. here's what's wierd about it:

When you are pregnant with yourself it's really tangible. you feel full. full of yourself, not in the usual sense of those words, but you feel it. really. you just want to pop all the time. and you want things you never wanted before and you dream new ideas and most of all you spend time imagining yourself. You imagine what you might look like, what you might say or like or be like.

But the birthing experience, the actual labor is kind of bizarre. it's definately not tangible. it's a process. it takes a little while. im not talking like 72 hours, i mean like a month. A month of personal labor. i think i need a new emotional vagina. i cant believe my husband still even likes me. what a freak show.

I'm serious though. When you give birth to yourself, when you give yourself that labor, you are dialating yourself, you are turning yourself inside out so that you can be alive. its almost unbearable, and you think you'd probably rather die than finish it off. thank you. and even now, in the after-whatever of the birth, the infant of me is so small and vulnerable and sort of blank, that i can hardly tell it's there. Especially because of the big me who is supposed to provide for that little me. the big me is still there, maybe we'll trade places and we'll merge together. But I sort of thought that when I was born, I would dissappear into that new me. But it doesn't work that way.

i still have to grow up. except this time, i get to do it to myself. i get to grow myself up. so right when i thought i was all done with this big huge job of carrying myself around forever and then fucking squeezing myself out, now i have to be gentle with myself. i have to make sure i do it right.
i guess i should say a GET to be gentle with myself. i get to go slowly. i get to marvel slowly at the new world around the new me thing. i can do it right, and i will do it right, because i am a total autonomous universe in and of myself. and i know everything there is to know. even from the moment the first me was born.

i was born perfect.
i was born perfect again.
you were born perfect.
so be perfect again.

*d